I wasn't sure how to answer this so I looked up phobias and one of the first ones that came up is algophobia, the fear of pain.

I don't think I have a phobia but I would consider it one of my biggest fears.

Not only do I hate physical pain but I'm horrible at dealing with emotional pain.

I don't let myself be hurt, so I bottle it up inside me and that eventually turns out worse than actually confronting it.

If I'm in pain, physically or emotionally, I don't like to admit it.

Maybe it's a pride thing, because I think it'll make me look strong (but nobody ever see's me as strong :/ )

Maybe there's an even bigger fear there. The fear of being seen as weak.

Which maybe is my biggest fear because I would rather honestly deal with my pain alone, then ever let somebody ever see me cry.

I do cry but it's normally about things that aren't that big.

I don't let anybody ever see cry about anything that's important.

I know people think of me as weak (and I hate that) but they have nothing to base that off and I'm not ever going to prove to people that I am by showing my weaknesses.

I think I'm so scared of being weak, especially in front of other people, is because I give a lot of myself away and show my weaknesses would be giving my whole self away and I don't think I know anybody, who I feel, deserves to see all of me.

Me, stripped down raw, isn't pretty and I need to know that I trust that person entirely to show them that side to me and it just scares me to even show a little bit of my weak side.

Whenever I've had my moments where I'm completely vulnerable, I've always been by myself and I don't remember ever telling anybody about it.

That's just the fear taking over.

I don't know if this made any sense at all.

x0xo

ash