In too deep, can't think about giving it up

Everyone knows things change but nobody really believes that things will change, until they actually do.

So when I walked into the practice room with the ten other guys, my 10 other brothers, for our monthly assessment but was instead faced with the room full of cameras and the CEO of our company sitting in the middle of the room and you wouldn't believe my surprise.

“The 11 of you will be split into two groups, team A and team B, for a reality TV show. This TV program will show the viewers your talents, skills and potential. Throughout the show the TV viewers will be allowed to vote for a group, and by the end of the show, whichever group has the most votes will finally be able to debut.”

Our CEO paused to look each of us individually. His eyes finally stopped at me and my heart almost jumped out of my throat.

“The group who loses will not be able to debut and will be either broken up or will face member replacements.”

My whole career, my whole life depending on the votes of this nation and the blood, sweat and tears that I put into debuting may just go to waste, if the people of this nation decide they don’t like the group I am placed in enough and knowing the people of this country, if they find the other group more “hot” or “cute”, then there goes my life.

“The groups that you will be in are the ones you are currently training under.  Team A will consist of Kang Seung Yoon, Lee Seung Hoon, Nam Tae Hyun, Song Min Ho and Kim Jin Woo. Min Ho will be the leader. Team B will consist of B.I, Kim Jin Hwan, Bobby, Song Yoon Hyung, Goo Jun Hee, and Kim Dong Hyuk. B.I, you will be the leader.”

I almost felt like throwing up. Not only do I have to show that my talents and skills were worth the viewers votes but our whole group’s talents and skills were worth it. I don’t know how G-Dragon or CL  do it? Not only were they able to get themselves out their but were able to lead their respective groups to success.

Yes, I had been working with these 5 other guys for a while and I know how talented they all are, but I know for sure we aren't ready to debut yet. This new pressure, of leading my five other brothers who I have laughed and cried with, to success, might just about kill me.

And the members of team A, my older brothers, who have also helped and supported me through these part hard years, are now my enemies?

I looked over to the members of team A, the people who are partly the reason why I am still here and they had expressions of fear and surprise but there was also a sense of determination in their eyes and by the looks of it we were not friends anymore.

I looked over at my fellow team mates and I saw some of them looking right back at me, as if searching for some confidence in me, that they could rely on. And of course, I’m their leader now and I have to help these boys to reach their dreams.

But it’s that sense of fear that I will let  these boys down. At least before, it was just me on my own, so if I screwed up, that was all on me, but now everything I do, I can’t just think about myself, I have to think about these boys too. It’s not just my dreams on the line, it’s theirs too.

And do I have what it takes to unleash all of these boys potential, so that they will do well? Being part of a team is hard, having to be the leader of the team is even harder.

I always knew the music industry was hard and you had to do whatever it takes to be where you want to be but this show almost seems like it’s on the cruel side. I have to pour my everything out on live television, just for the chance to possibly debut. And that won’t even guarantee anything because what if we debut and don’t receive the same love, as we do during the show?

I just feel that I’m going to lose more than I will ever gain through this show.