There are two types of pain that I experience:

The last conversation I had with Hoya inflicted me with both these pains.

I admit most of the things he said were true. I was just in denial about it, I guess.

Hearing it out loud, made it really sink in and thus the cause of the first type of pain.  It hurt to hear those things come out of his mouth. Firstly, because they were true. And the truth always seems to hurt.  Secondly, because it was coming out of someone I really cared about. Whether it’s an insult or a compliment, they don’t seem to really matter when they come out of someone you don’t really know well but when it comes from someone you love then it seems to matter.

Well for me it’s like that. Some people seemed to be delighted when they get complimented by someone who they don’t really know, thinking they don’t care about you, so whatever they say is truthful. But I think that’s where people are wrong. People who you don’t know lie the most, because a part of them knows that you may never see them again, so might as well make a positive impression. Whereas people who actually know you can see the changes in you and know when to say something negative or positive. They’ve stuck around long enough to know you well enough to notice the little things.

This is why I’ve always valued the people who have stayed in my life. It’s reassuring to know that even though people know the real you, that they they’ve stayed.

These thoughts kinda lead me to my feelings about Hoya and the whole situation.

I understood and acknowledge all the things Hoya had said. But how was I supposed to fix these things?

Opening myself up was really hard for me.  It was hard enough when people actually asked me what was wrong, but having to do it by myself, seemed impossible. When I tell people about my problems, it feels like I owe them. I owe them for listening to my stupid self, and when they give me advice? I owe them even more. It’s such a burden to carry, for me.

Confidence. It’s not an easy thing to come by. And it was something that I held little of. Sure I didn’t think of myself of as horrible person, who was a freak of nature, but I didn’t really hold myself highly either. I just thought of myself as someone who wasn’t worth it. Someone you shouldn’t be wasting your time on.

For a while, I thought that Hoya thought of me as a charity case. Someone to look after because you felt a little sorry for them. Of course I realised his true feelings, but that didn’t stop me from being doubtful of everyone else.

Another reason why my confidence was so low was because I heavily relied on what other people thought of me, to determine what I thought of myself. Hoya never failed to shower me with compliments. It was embarrassing at times, but always made me feel so good about myself.

How was I going to survive without him?

Now, that I think about it, I am really sad.

I have no confidence, always closing myself off to people, constantly seeking attention, I’m so sad.

I understand now why Hoya is doing this. I’m surprised he stayed for so long. I’m surprised he didn’t break up with me all together.

My eyes prickled and I could feel the first of many tears start to fall.

What am I doing with my life? How did I become like this?

I hate people like this. I hate myself.

I buried my face into my pillow, unable to keep the increasingly flowing tears from stopping.

The dull throbbing pain had now kicked in. I hated it, because no, it didn’t really hurt, but constantly reminded me that there was something wrong with me.

Now, everything is wrong with me.

I then suddenly jolted at the sound of a knock on the door.

Hoya?

No, it couldn’t be. I was so delusional about everything. The pain of not being with Hoya was really making me not function properly.

“I’ll be there in a second!” I yelled.

I took a look at the mirror and realised how much of a mess I was in. My hair was sticking in out in every direction, my eyes were puffy and red and my nose was runny from crying.

I swept my hair into a pony tail and wiped my nose. Whoever was at my door couldn’t be that important…

I unlocked the door and saw someone who I hadn’t seen in a while.

“You’re a mess” said the visitor.

“Eunji what are you doing here?!” I exclaimed in shock.

“Dongwoo told me what happened.” She replied.

“Ah that” I muttered, looking down at my feet.

“Why didn’t you call me? You know I’m here to help.”Eunji said in a frustrated tone.

“Are you?!” I replied back.

Eunji was my best friend. We had been through pretty much everything together.

A few months ago, she confronted me about the same things Hoya talked to me about. I didn’t believe anything she said and claimed that she was just jealous of Hoya and I.

We hadn’t talked for weeks.

Eunji sighed.

“I’m sorry. What I said was uncalled for. But you know I was only saying those things because I cared ok?”

I pulled her into a hug. It was nice having someone here.

Eunji hugged back and I could feel her smiling.

I let go of her and moved away from the door, so she could enter.

We both sat myself on the couch and draped the blanket over our legs.

“So how are you holding up?” Eunji asked with concern written all over my face.

I couldn’t help but smile. After Hoya, Eunji was the most important person to me.

“Not good” I admitted.

“You know he isn’t breaking up with you. Hoya’s just giving you guy’s space, so both of you guys can get yourselves together.” Eunji said.

“I know but it still hurts. It hurts know that Hoya AND you feel that way about me. I feel so pathetic.” I groaned.

“Well change it then. He didn’t do this just so you could mope around and feel sorry for yourself” She retorted back.

Eunji was never good at being affectionate and sweet. She was always so straightforward and said whatever she thought.

It was one of her many charms.

“But how?! If I knew, I would’ve okay? I know this is going to sound stupid, but it’s not easy being me.” I sighed.

“God you drive me crazy. Look this is why I’m here. I’m here to help you become the most perfect version of you. I know there is a part of you deep down who’s like that. You just need a little help to unleash it”

“Do you really think you could help me become that way?” I asked, honestly doubtful over the thought of it.

“Well you need to be cooperative as well. You’re the one who needs this, not me. So you have to be committed in this as well.” Eunji asserted.

I had to do this. Not only for Hoya, but for me.

“Ok but you have to be patient with me alright? I’m not exactly in the best head space right now.” I muttered the end.

Eunji rolled her eyes at me.

“Don’t tell me what to do. I will treat you however I want” Eunji said in confidence.

It was now my turn to roll my eyes.

“And who exactly died and made you god?” I said in a mocking tone, raising an eyebrow.

“God.”

“Ah Eunji I missed you” I said honestly.

“Missed you too, loser”

Oh maybe things weren’t going to be too bad after all.