I fidgeted with my phone. I had to go to work today but I ended calling in sick because Hoya hadn’t arrived home and I really needed to talk to him.

What was I going to say when we arrived home? And most importantly what was he going to say? In the end, when I finally see him, it’s not going to matter what I want to say because seeing him will change my mind entirely.

I know this situation seems petty in comparison to most things and this little problem seemed to be blown out of proportion but I don’t think it was just that.

On the surface that what it looked like but I think it has really come down to me not being appreciative enough. Hoya was so good to me and sure I didn’t treat him badly but if we were to measure on a scale the way he treated me and the way I treated him, we would be at opposite ends.

I heard the door unlock and I can finally breathed properly. I didn’t even realise I was holding my breath in the first place.  A wave of relief washed over me, until I looked at him.

Nothing was physically wrong with him but there was something about his eyes and I knew that something was up.

“Sorry I left. I had to clear my mind…” Hoya said. His facial expression was hard and he showed no emotion. Like his face, his voice had the same monotonous tone.

“Don’t be. You had every right to leave. I was being grouchy and I know you were just being caring and I’m sorry” The words seemed to just tumble out but I still felt there was more that I needed to say.

Hoya seemed unaffected by the apology and just looked into my eyes.

We continued to look at each other, none of us saying a word.

Hoya then finally spoke.

“They say that eyes are the windows to a person’s soul. In most cases, you can read a person by looking in their eyes. But right now, looking into your eyes, I can’t see anything.” He looked to the ground and then walked up to me.

We were inches away from each other. I could smell alcohol on his breath.

Hoya had a very high alcohol tolerance level but chose not to drink very much. He told me once that even though it was very hard to get him drunk, alcohol made him forget things and no matter what the situation, he didn’t like to forget.

“I love you, you know that right?” He whispered into my ear.

At this moment I was afraid. Never had I seen Hoya so out of character. Like he was someone else… Was it the alcohol? But doesn’t the drunken mind speak a sober heart?

I didn’t reply, scared that whatever I would say in reply would cause him to do something irrational.

“You do don’t you?” He said whilst stroking my face. “But why don’t you love me back?”

I knew it.

“You’re drunk, let’s not talk about this now.” I said, trying to pull myself away from him.

“So you don’t love me. I knew I shouldn’t have tried with you.” Hoya said pulling me back towards him.

My heart broke at his remark. I really wanted to tell him that I loved him and that no matter what life we were living, I wanted him to try for me every time, because I would do the same for him.

But he was drunk. He would forget. I don’t like to say things in vain.

“You’re not in your right mind now. Just let go of me. Please” I almost pleaded.

When he’s back to normal, I’ll tell him. I’ll tell him that I love him and I would never leave him. And I’ll tell him not to do the same. I’ll tell him all the things that I’ve always wanted to say to him. I’ll tell him the things my pride and past wouldn’t let me say.

When he’s normal I will.

Hoya stood still, almost frozen. His eyes were hollow and empty. Like all the life that was in his eyes, had been sucked out.

“All I need is your confirmation, that you love me. I will go to bed and forget this ever happened.  I know you think me being drunk, changes me. But you know my alcohol tolerance. Please just let down your pride, and say you love me.” Hoya’s face went from having no emotion at all, to a face full of desperation. Were my words really that comforting?

We stood in silence for what were only minutes but what seemed like hours.

“I’m going to be staying at Dongwoo’s house. You need to do something thinking. Get your priorities straight Eunmi. I don’t know if you love me and for us to have this relationship, I need to know this. I seem to be putting more effort into this relationship and it’s really taking its toll on me.” Hoya finally said. “When you know what your feelings are for me, contact me. But for now, just think of this as a break.”

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i love angst

except more sad chapters to come